What do women need from sex?
First women think they want to learn how to receive more pleasure. Men want to learn how to give women more pleasure.
You are told pleasure is important. You don’t know why. You are told it is your right and you have to request it.
But this mechanical model of rubbing pleasure out of your body is not motivating or engaging for anyone. This is why it stops in relationships very soon. It may be a good driver for animals but humans will not be so moved by a pleasant physical sensation.
Pleasure just comes with good sex. It’s just there. You will never have great sex without pleasure. But on its own pleasure doesn’t do anything, doesn’t interest you, doesn’t create anything in your life. You won’t give it much attention.
If you make sex richer in all its dimensions, it will create more pleasure naturally. You don’t need to try to make more pleasure.
You think you are looking for pleasure in sex. In fact you are looking for other things. For more. And when you feel just pleasure it doesn’t feel enough.
In this mechanical approach of rubbing the body for pleasure, the woman’s body often doesn’t even work. It feels distant. Or it shuts down. Or it just tenses up and releases tension.
Then women are told that they want passion.
They are told that good sex is hot and intense. And if you are a sexual woman then you want scorching, passionate sex.
Adventure. Excitement. Collision of passion.
The hunger. The impatience. The release of sexual tension.
Why is passion such an ideal for you? Because it makes you feel alive. It makes you feel alive because the rest of sex is a routine, a chore, a job. Anything that’s not a routine is going to be great sex.
Passion is the next good thing after routine sex, that’s all.
Being all tense and impatient and hungry is not the absolute best that you can feel with the person you love. It’s fun sometimes.
Ripping each other’s clothes and grabbing each other is hot from time to time but it’s not the best thing you want to experience together.
Adventure, exploration, excitement and fun are great to have in your life too – but they are not the only thing that matters in your life.
Why then are you told that it’s the only thing that matters in your sex life?
Passion is what women look for when they are tired of mechanical lifeless sex. They want to feel alive.
They dream of passion because they dream of better things in sex, and passion is the only ’other’ thing they know.
And yet passion will not take you to those greater things.
Passion as your only sex life will be adventurous and hot for some time. Then it will be forced. Then it will be hollow. And your heart and soul will feel the void all the same after the intoxication.
Passion in sex is what our culture values out of ignorance. It’s a culture that tells you that to escape the grey in life you should get drunk, seek intensity and oblivion. Yes, it’s better – but only in comparison. It’s not what your heart truly desires.
What does a woman ultimately want from sex?
A bit of everything.
But ultimately she wants to flourish.
She wants to feel those energies run through her and make her feel alive.
She wants to be nourished in her heart and in her soul.
She wants to feel beauty in all its dimensions.
She wants to feel connection.
She wants to feel a journey, a relationship.
She wants to be together.
She wants adventure and fun and playfulness too. Sometimes, as a part of the spectrum, not as the only escape.
And the pleasure comes with all this, richer and deeper and more interesting than just rubbing something.
But ultimately the richest and most profound experience of her sexuality for the woman is love.
Not having sex with someone she is in love.
Not a corny old-fashioned stereotype that women have sex as a sign of love and belonging.
Not some kind of emotional or romantic idea of love in sex.
A woman needs to be loved in sex because love is sexual energy. It is physical energy. It is the most important energy.
Sex that feels loving. Sex that feels like an experience of love.
A sharing of love. A flow of love.
Being nourished by the energy of love.
Loving sex makes everything come alive in the woman. Her whole body, her whole sexuality, her feeling of herself.
Not love as a relationship, belonging, commitment. Love as the energy in the moment of sex that nourishes here.
Everything that the woman wants from sex she will find and experience when sex is loving, when she is nourished with love.
Everything she is instinctively looking for is there.
All the flourishing she wants to experience will happen from being nourished with love – a deep, rich, sexual energy of love.
But she doesn’t know this. And so she thinks pleasure, orgasms and passions will deliver the happiness and wellbeing she is looking for. They won’t.
And when you are truly nourished and you flourish, everything else comes. Passion happens naturally when the day is right. Pleasure comes as a given, and it is more rich and soulful.