In our culture sex is not enriching energy.
Sex is entertainment.
Not only adult entertainment as a branch of or sex culture.
But all sex, any sex - it is all for entertainment.
This is the job of sex and the role of sex in our lives.
This is why, according to our culture, we have sex in relationships.
It is not for enrichment, for a relationship, for connection, journey or for the wellbeing - sex is for entertainment. You may be surprised I say this - but stay with me. All sex, for every couple, is for entertainment only because our culture has instilled this.
It is still the case even when you see bigger words like intimacy, lovemaking and passion. The promise of the words maybe one thing, but the technique is always to entertain. It is to make sex exciting, fun and give pleasure to the body. It is to act on our mental centres of entertainment.
The physical sensation is a kind of sensory entertainment. From that perspective the most interesting things we are told to value are a nice sensation, a really intense sensation, a new sensation, an unusual sensation, a bigger orgasm, an orgasm we haven’t tried before, etc. Something strong enough to catch our attention, entertain our senses and say wow.
The excitement of sex is the psychological entertainment. We are encouraged to try things that are thrilling, curious, new, fun, adventurous, etc. We can explore a large catalogue of novelties, games, role plays, toys, props, products, visual stimulation, sexy dynamics, scenarios, fantasies, etc. This may give us a fun experience, or stimulate our senses, or give us a thrill, or just make us feel some excitement.
Excitement is the ultimate feeling we associate with sex.
In our culture if you feel excitement it is great sex, if you feel no excitement then it is bad sex. So a good technique is to create excitement.
This is our current dominant model for sex: it is sensory entertainment.
This is not necessarily the true purpose of sex in our lives, but it is the dominant model sold to us, as a result of commercial dynamic. Sex is represented at a particular angle.
Certain qualities of sex, e.g. that sex can be playful and exciting, are monstrously over-grown and other qualities, e.g that sex can be loving, calm, revitalising or nurturing, have been clipped or removed from the media completely.
Like chickens cultivated with the size of breasts they can’t even walk with, our sex knowledge is the cultivated version that can be sold better. It sells better in our media not because it gives a lot of value or lasts longer, but because the sold bits of sex know-how are bright, flashy and give a quick hit of entertainment but sex is ultimately unsatisfying, which means it breaks down quickly - so that is a more lucrative business model where you can keep selling. Sex comes with hyper-rapid in-built obsolescence.
It has historical reasons. Sex was not allowed for millennia, and you could go to hell for it. We only liberated sex a few decades ago from its prison and we were not allowed to discuss it until then.
When sex was ‘released’ it was at the cross-roads - what is it going to be now? A role for it had to be defined.
There was no meaningful extent of discussion on what sex should now really be for our hearts, our wellbeing, our relationships and how to make sex that feels amazing but also really satisfies and fulfils us.
We mumbled something about it being a normal and healthy thing to do, and here is the organ and this is how to have an orgasm, now please go away and just do what feels good, whatever feels good is good, just enjoy it.
The wellbeing or relationship industry didn’t want to claim sex as their asset because it made them look dirty.
Sex was released with no directions and no purpose into our market economy. It was taken over by entertainment industry and this industry defined the new role for sex. Sex was repackaged as entertainment and commercialised for consumers.
We may think we have discovered certain things we like in sex by being with our past lovers. More likely, both we and our lovers are practising sex that was marketed to us.
That marketing doesn’t aim to fulfil our needs. It aims to attract us, stimulate us, hold our attention and manipulate primal impulses. You can essentially grow an entire sexuality in a human being with this kind of influence and have them feel that this is their real sexuality.
We do have those primal impulses and we do act on them - if they are tugged on they will work. It doesn’t mean that because it works it is actually valuable to you.
So we have got educated to consume sex in our relationships the same way we consume other entertainment - tv shows, social media, shouty headlines, etc. This evolves into a certain dynamic in our minds. We grow to expect sex to constantly entertain us, engage us, we get bored, we want something new, something exciting, we want to reanimate our attention with more and more stimulus. Sex lives in that place in our minds. It doesn’t live in the place where we feel contentment, gratitude, relating, love or connection.
As a culture, we feel that the real problem of sex is that it is boring, not that it is empty.
We value above all the qualities of impressive, intense, exciting, adventurous and fun.
This kind of sex can be very nice. It is fun, exciting, pleasurable and there are lots of fun things you can do. There is nothing wrong with that. As humans, we like those experiences. We all enjoy fun and entertainment. We all enjoy doing new things and being stimulated.
Sex for entertainment is a legitimate kind of sex you can have.
If you like it, you should definitely include it in your repertoire and have fun with it.
Just be objective about what this kind of sex will bring into your life. Having sex for entertainment will not make you feel deeply happy, fulfilled, close, loved, alive or nourished in your wellbeing. It will not bring powerful energies into your life. It will not keep your sexual relationship strong. It will not bring your closer or create more love and affection. It will not make you feel the full beauty and richness of sex because that involves more parts of you, more powerful senses and a better technique than exciting sex contains.
Entertaining and exciting sex won’t deliver any of this for the same reason why you won’t get this from spending your life on watching TV or playing video games.
But entertaining sex doesn’t have to deliver any of this. This is not its role, it’s just for fun.
It is not a problem to have this sex for fun, knowing that it is only for fun - it is a very aware and empowered choice.
The problem is false promise. When we believe that we need to make sex exciting because this will bring the most amazing sex into your life, nourish, strengthen and revitalise your relationship, give incredible energy, fulfilment, love, intimacy and connection.
Then it becomes a lie, it becomes ineffective at what it promises and it eventually malnourishes you. How can excitement deliver feelings that it actually doesn’t contain? It is like packaging sugar with false advertising that it is well balanced nutrition for optimum wellbeing.
The healthy way to adjust your sex life is to realise that you can fully enjoy fun and exciting sex - but it is really meant to be only one kind of sex in your spectrum. One kind of experience out of many.
We are meant to enjoy it when we want a bit of fun, but it needs to be well placed among other kinds of sex that fulfil our more important relational and energetic needs.
It is not the most powerful, the most enriching or the most important kind of sex for us.
Most of those other kinds of sex are far more powerful and enriching for us than fun exciting sex.
If we believe that sex needs to be exciting - then as the best case scenario, with total success, this is all we will ever get from sex in our lives: fun, excitement and entertainment.
It’s nice enough but it is not much.
There is so much more that sex can give. Such a greater experience of enrichment for your life, energies in your life, amazing emotional nutrition, incredible variety of experiences. If we think that good sex is exciting sex then we always force sex to be exciting and we miss out on all those experiences. We don’t get to explore the whole spectrum of sex. So many beautiful powerful, soulful experiences not lived.
And the malnourishment in our relationships is real.
We only get to feel entertainment with each other. It’s nice enough but it is one-dimensional and it can get to feel superficial. Excitement is probably not the one and only quality you ever want to feel with your lover in life. Particularly with a long-term partner, but even if you don’t have any defined relationships and you just want to experience rich sexual interaction. Excitement is not the most powerful feeling that can be felt between you. We have other needs in our hearts that we want fulfilled. Other kinds of beauty we want to feel in the physical intimacy and the erotic landscape.
It also becomes incredibly hard to keep a whole sex life going by doing only exciting sex. It means your sex is weak - it is quite poor in real value beyond some entertainment. It is hard to keep it looking really valuable. It doesn’t self-propel as inherently worthwhile and motivating. The only way you can drive it in the long-term is to constantly over-compensate with immensely intense and regular excitement. This is hard to come by. There is a build-up of tolerance, and that moves on to escalation. It is not uncommon to arrive to sex that makes absolutely no sense if you look at it through the lens of what it is delivering to you in real terms, but it works because it sparks ups the initial engagement of the sex act.
Sex for entertainment is just too weak to be your main sex. This is why a sex life based on entertainment and excitement will normally break down in a relationship.
Sex for entertainment is meant to exist in an ecosystem with other, more powerful kinds of sex, and give you some occasional light fun.
It needs to be put into its category and enjoyed there, but we need to stop prioritising excitement. We need to invest more into other kinds of sex in our sexual relationships and other sexual connections.